On my bicycle, breathing in and out deeply and thoughtfully. I am raging, just a little bit, over not understanding something that means a lot to me. And when I can’t get answers, I freak out and get angry (don’t we all, in this day and age of constant flow of information?). Going faster, faster, faster. I just want to be home. The cold that seeps into my veins making me even more mad, I can’t stand not being able to feel my fingers (so much for my peaceful personality). As I finally reach the big old yellow block of brick that I call home, I slam down my bike, open the door and forcefully hurl it closed. Sometimes, pushing out the anger physically is the only thing that helps (or not, but it felt so right at the time).
I run upstairs, to the living room, ready to throw a fit, just for myself. What do I need? What will make me feel the way I want to feel right now?
Guitars. Loud guitars. Screaming along to lyrics I’ve known for years, by bands I (sometimes secretly) love. Rock, the real kind, the only kind that makes me feel the full extent of the emotions that are cropped up inside me right now. Yes, yes. And as I scream along to These Days, I run upstairs to get into my workout clothes. Because yes, this is what I need, I need to move my ass and break a sweat. Fitness is therapy.
Fitness is a way to challenge myself, and something that shows growth on a week-to-week basis. That’s what I need. Throw out anger, feel my strength. And so I do my first ever 1000 calorie workout (go big or go home, I suppose). Guitar riffs helping me through sets of jumping lunges, burpees, pop squats, deadlifts, pushups, star jumps, crunches, high knees, and what feels like a gazillion other exercises. Sweat running down my back and face (or are those tears? With HIIT, who knows..).
One and a half hours later I feel so done, empty of all energy sources, ready for a shower (Sweaty McSweatface ain’t no joke). But also, I feel elevated, like those little outbursts of movement rid me of all the shit that was playing in my mind beforehand. Fitness is therapy.
I’ll hardly be able to walk tomorrow, but there’s pride to be found in that, and peace to be found in my mind. Magnificent.