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A couple years back, I joined a gym for no other reason than the fact that crisps and I were in too close a relationship and the fatty goodness had made me grow wider over the span of a couple of months. I wanted to lose weight, as did everyone in the world, as January 1st had just rolled by and we had all started the new year full of high hopes for the goals we had set. So I joined the gym, and I ended up going… about three times. Total. In the whole of the year. 

How often is it that we get stuck in life? No matter where, how or why, we keep setting goals for ourselves without reaching them, getting no further than step two, or day four, or lesson seven. Getting in with our spirits high only to fall flat on our asses as soon as we just ‘don’t feel like doing it anymore.’ Which can be a fair point, but not if we started with the right intentions. 

If I would have joined that gym with the intention of being a better version of myself, getting stronger, becoming healthier, changing my whole life, I can assure you I would have been there three times each and every week. Instead, I knew I wanted to lose some fat, I didn’t have any knowledge about how to do it properly, and worse: I didn’t know why I wanted to slim down. That’s problematic, because the Why will be a drive for the duration of the projects we set out for ourselves, especially when we ‘don’t feel like doing it anymore.’ The Why is what pulls us forth another day, every day. And we have to get it completely clear before we dive into whatever it is we long to do.

The Why is conscious choice. This starts with self-reflection, driven by questions like: who am I; what do I long to get done in my lifetime; who do I long to become; which parts of myself do I feel the need to strengthen; why do I want this; where does this longing come from; what is going to happen when I change this; what is my next step? I believe self-reflection is vital to a life well-lived, because it gets us clear on who we are and what we want, which in turn shows the way ahead of us.

Whenever I reflect – which happens in solitude, with nothing other than my dear notebook and favourite pen – it’s as though a weight is lifted off my shoulders. The moment I have on paper what I desire, what drives me and how I long to get deeper into myself to unravel all that is there, I feel a sense of freedom washing over me, knowing that I have set out a road ahead. Winging it can be nice, but honestly, I’d much rather have a bit of direction as to where I’m going. It’s freeing to know yourself, freeing & exciting.

Understand, also, that there is but one thing able to be your drive: you. Of course I now go to the gym religiously knowing it’s amazing to build a body that my lover will relish even more than he does now, but that’s not the reason I do it, I do it because I fucking love seeing a good butt when I look into the mirror, I do it because I get excited when I get to put more plates on the barbell when I do my squats & deadlifts, I do it because I get happier than ever when the endorphins kick in and the music is just right and I dance a little in the middle of the sweat-haven that is my gym. In short: I do it for me. Same goes for every single thing I am passionate about, though I love it when others are enthusiastic about it also, I do it for me. Always.

But I wouldn’t if I would never take the time to feel all that is within me, if I didn’t put on paper who I am and what I desire. It’s powerful to love our notebooks as if they were part of ourselves, it strengthens us when unravel who we are in scribbly letters with little drawings on the side to emphasise written word, I want us to go deep and choose every single thing we do consciously, with love.

Self-reflection and conscious choice are, together, the beginning of whatever step we long to take to conquer the world in our own way, whether it be small or of gargantuan proportion – they are the beginning of a change that will last. Let’s make wonderful things happen.




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Solitude has always been a subject of interest for me, for I believe wholeheartedly that it carries with it great amounts of importance. Solitude feeds creativity, it allows our real selves to break loose and wreak havoc, which may be needed more regularly than we’d expect.

May Sarton wrote: “The value of solitude — one of its values — is, of course, that there is nothing to cushion against attacks from within, just as there is nothing to help balance at times of particular stress or depression. A few moments of desultory conversation … may calm an inner storm. But the storm, painful as it is, might have had some truth in it. So sometimes one has simply to endure a period of depression for what it may hold of illumination if one can live through it, attentive to what it exposes or demands.” 

I only recently came across this piece of writing, an extraction from Sarton’s Journal Of Solitude, and I felt an immense sense of connection to it instantly, as I feel that I long for solitude more when there are certain deep, dark thoughts on my mind that I feel I need to figure out, and I believe that some such thoughts can be figured out only when we’re alone. It may be difficult to do so, because running into parts of ourselves that tell the uncomfortable (and sometimes ugly) truth is not something most, if any, of us long for, but it’s a necessary evil. Figuring out who we are and how to bring our true, full selves to fruition is a lifelong process and darkness plays a big role in it, and though we long to run away from our own deep ends, we mustn’t. Sometimes we simply have to stand tall and take all that is thrown towards us from within, to learn, for progress and the beauty that will come at the end of it all.

After a weekend full of live music-induced sudden realisations I spent Monday in Utrecht, a bigger city near to where I live, on my own, in a fashion similar to my way of living back in London: walking around, browsing bookshops, talking to the odd stranger, writing pages upon pages of notes, having dinner on my own in my favourite cafe in town, reading Hemingway and daydreaming of all that may come. And though it was a wonderful day, it brought out some darkness that I is now on the forefront of my mind, ready to be dealt with and undoubtedly here to be learnt from, which’ll be a slow and agonising process that brings out the side of me that longs for solitude, quietness. And though this brings discomfort at times, it’s okay, because the process is one of progress and that is what I, as many others, strive for. The tunnel may be dark, but at the end there is light and who knows what we’ll find once we come out of it, the world will spread open and we will find new challenges to conquer, new dreams to realise, new ways to grow.

So, next time you feel the storm coming up and your instincts tell you to run like hell: don’t. Stand your ground, try to get to the source of it, take some time to be alone, to be yourself, and work your way through. It will be worth it.

And baby, you’re oh so strong,




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You should’ve seen me rush to the Ticketscript website in a matter of seconds after finding out that Father John Misty was coming to perform in my little old country next November, I confess: I squealed like the giddy little kid I used to be as I was registering my information to get my ticket. One ticket. Because I’m going by myself, to see one of my favourite people perform his glorious music and dance as if there’s no tomorrow, and there’s no reason for doing so other than that I adore doing little things like this on my lonesome. I love the bus ride to the venue, the people-watching as I stand in line to get in, not having to take into account anything or anyone else’s wants and needs for a night. I love feeling the music go through me without having anyone interrupting to tell me how much they love the song, because I know, I do too, which is exactly why I’m keeping my mouth shut to enjoy it fully, whilst shaking my ass to the notes I must’ve heard a million times by now. I’m a sociable loner, happy to go out with the people I love on the weekend, equally as pleased when I get to go adventuring without anyone by my side.

It’s a conscious choice, based on things that bring out my happiest self (live music, dancing, sipping beers, being anonymous and alone, if even for a little while), which brings me to a question: have you asked yourself lately why you do what you do? Do you make choices based upon who you are, what you love and what makes you truly joyous, or do you just go, because going seems like the right thing to do? Choosing consciously, over and over again, seems like a problem area for a lot of us, which is a dire shame, as the choices you make build up the whole of your existence and making good ones will light up everything that happens in your life.

I struggle with this myself, still, as I spend so much time mindlessly scrolling through websites that don’t truly interest me, or watching films that I don’t care for too much, or, most often and most horrifically, thinking about things that drag me down. And I know I do this, yet I still keep doing it, which shows that even though I have some knowledge in my upper chamber, I’m still not ‘there’, wherever that may be. Realising this is all the more reason to speak about the importance of living consciously, because I know that it changes everything and I vouch for lives filled with excitement and love and pure, true happiness every day of the week.

So, to get the happiness ball rolling, how about you ask yourself one simple question: How do I make every day more light, happy and worth remembering?

It’s a simple question, though it may be difficult to find an answer that will really work for you, as you need to be stern with yourself to improve on your daily habits by incorporating something that lights you up, but old habits tend to die hard, so be prepared to do some serious work. Love the seriousness and you’ll find yourself doing things on a daily basis that will ultimately improve your whole life, as life is no more than a buildup of days. So choose. Pick one thing and improve it, whether it be the shifting of an old habit or the adding of a new one, choose and do. (For me, for example, the ideas look something like this: choose the music you listen to to complement your mood, make your cup of coffee with full attentiveness and as if it’s the most important task in the world, read for at least an hour, carefully pick your clothes to match the person you feel like today).





The first thought I had after realising that I had reached the end of my major existential crisis (more elaboration on said crisis here) was ‘I am just really glad to exist.’ It’s true, even though I have spent the past year and a half trying to figure out the how’s and why’s of my own existence – and the existence of others along the road, as well – it comes down to the simplicity of gladness to just be. To have been born in this form, with this brain, in this place, and then to go on and grow up the way I did, cultivating knowledge (and sometimes even a bit of wisdom) in a constant pace. 

I’m glad to feel, so very deeply at times, to give love and receive it, to be amazed by beauty, falling hard for every little thing that seems to touch my soul. I’m happy to be able to sing and dance, to wake up and do yoga, to have my health and a heart that is filled to the brim with curiosity and adoration. 

I don’t know the answers to any of the questions I have asked myself over and over again for such a long time, and that’s okay, I’m glad about that too. I’ve surrendered, for now, laying down my battle axe and choosing to appreciate living for what I do know it to be: a fantastically wondrous ride of endless curiosity, to pursue passions and creative work, enjoying the sense of progress, always.

There is so much to learn, so much more to find, many more ways to train our minds and hearts and souls, but doing so with humility, knowing that there simply are questions that have no rock solid answer, to play with the idea of possibility and acknowledging that we can know so much, yet hardly anything at all, makes cultivating new knowledge a more free-spirited pursuit. It breaks us free, no longer bound to the idea that we will, at a certain point, find the end of our road and know everything we want to know. Knowledge has no end.

As Socrates said:

“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.”

Love always,




I decided to draw myself a bath late last night, mainly because I was so cold I could almost feel the bones ache beneath my flesh, but also because there is simply not a better place to relax than my very own bathtub. Usually, I either read a book or watch an episode of the Joe Rogan Experience when I’m soaking, but it was after 10 p.m. and I didn’t feel like doing either of those. A podcast should suffice, I thought, hearing someone talk whilst taking in the heat of the lavender-infused water and doing nothing other than breathing deeply, and maybe taking in some wisdom. 

I’ve been having a self-proclaimed existential crisis for about a year and a half, it’s built up of multiple layers of worry that don’t seem to leave my mind, even though I consciously try to shoo it all away almost daily. One layer is thoughts of not understanding what life means, why we’re here, what all this is, and all such things that many a philosopher has written about and I still cannot wrap my mind around. The second layer is the one of who am I, what do I do, why do I do it, what if I suddenly stopped doing my own things in my own way – my mind worrying about itself, essentially. The third: am I doing enough, am I spending my time well, am I wasting my life? And so, I read, a lot, about other people’s ideas and answers on any and all of those questions, as though I am trying to make their answers my own. It’s tiring, really, to spend a big portion of my time worrying about time itself. It feels as though I am floating above myself, not truly participating in life because I am trying to analyse every aspect of it, which becomes terrifying, over time. 

My man, my dear, my lover, told me a while back to listen to Alan Watts talks on YouTube, “you’ll like it, it’ll be good for you.” (He was right, as he often is.) But I didn’t, because I always keep myself busy with so many things that I tend to put off the recommendations others give me. Until last night, when my bathroom smelled of lavender, my bathwater was tinted a soft pink, candles lit up the room, softly, and I chose to listen to his advice after all.

It changed me. Took away some worries, replaced some others, and then took away those, too. I first listened to this one, then took out my notebook and scribbled down the thoughts that rapidly ran through my mind, for its shift came with new ideas to hold onto, and the best way to do so is to write them down, to clear things up. 

The main lesson I took from this particular talk, and from some of his words I read afterward, was that Now is all there is. That our ‘I’ is no more than the happening of Thought and Feeling in the Now. That notion, with its simplicity, was freeing to me, it lit me up and took away the worries that were on my shoulders the year prior. For being in the Now means spending less time longing for days that have been and fantasising about futures that may never be, and instead brings forth pure focus. I’m grateful for it, and I advise you to read everything of his that you can find, because it may make you more light, more grounded, and more present, and those are some pretty big shifts to make within your self.

I’ll leave you with some of his words to fall in love with,

“This is the real secret of life — to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now. And instead of calling it work, realize it is play.”

“I have realized that the past and future are real illusions, that they exist in the present, which is what there is and all there is.”

“The art of living… is neither careless drifting on the one hand nor fearful clinging to the past on the other. It consists in being sensitive to each moment, in regarding it as utterly new and unique, in having the mind open and wholly receptive.”




I have taken the idea of seeing the beginning of the year as a new start for myself at heart, allowing myself to change because of it (though not just by my own doing, having some stern, deep conversations has brought out more things to work on than I had written on any kind of ‘end of the year’ list). In all the change, I have taken it upon myself to do research daily, simply because I enjoy learning new things – to an extent that may almost seem unhealthy, something to do with feeling like I can’t learn enough, ever, and worrying about it – and because expanding my mind has turned out to be helpful in every aspect of life.

As I was googling psychology and neuroscience last weekend, I stumbled onto an article that explained how neuroscientists have found a few surefire ways to enhance our lives in relatively simple ways, so to make ourselves happier people. Being the life enhancement junkie I am, I read the article thoroughly, and then again, and then another time, and all the pointers named within it were so seemingly obvious, yet simply life-changing. And so, my Sunday evening, on which I had previously told myself I would do nothing other than watching Netflix and drinking tea, changed into an epiphanic experience, enhanced by new knowledge: exciting.

The biggest pointer of the article for me was the one in which was explained that when experiencing a negative emotion, say, for example, sadness, anger or deep fear, all you have to do is give the emotion a name, and it will lessen in intensity. Simple, right? I am the kind of person who is likely to get stuck in thought patterns that don’t benefit me in any way, shape or form, and so I go into a downwards spiral until I find myself rummaging through the kitchen cabinets looking for dark chocolate to stuff my face with because eating is a way of numbing the pain. With all the working out I’ve committed myself to, stuffing my face isn’t really a habit I care to hold onto, so getting rid of the spiral (or trying to change it so it can go upward, rather than down) is something I am mildly interested in, to say the very least.

Now, every time I find myself thinking thoughts that exude a deep sense of jealousy, or anger, or sadness, or any other kind of pain, I try to take a step back and analyse it, so I can give it a proper name (I like going for the fancier ones, because of the love for words and how I care to play with them, so I tend to put a bit more thought into it – needless to say this isn’t a necessity if you care to try it for yourself). And then I acknowledge the emotion and give it its name, only to leave it straight after that little ritual.

The nice thing about doing this is that as soon as that same emotion boils up again, because I just heard a certain song on the radio that had something to do with it, or I foolishly scrolled through Facebook for too long, all I have to do is say its name and step away again (there is no need to repeat the ritual, negativity doesn’t deserve such attention more than once, in my opinion).

It’s a way of letting things slide, of finding more time to think of beautiful things, because my mind is slowly being freed of the patterns that terrorised it in the past. It’s clearing more time for more research, also. It’s quite lovely.



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I just rose up from my bed, releasing my mind from a 30 minute meditation – just what the doctor ordered. It’ll be 2017 in two days, and I am as excited to be rid of 2016 as anyone, especially since the end of it was… well, rather horrible. Loss has hardened parts of me that I wanted to keep soft: I have some work to do next year. My mind has been racing, because of all that has happened, examining life and all that it possibly could mean, without pause. This past month has left me utterly exhausted, making the coming of a new year all the more welcome. I do believe in leaving old ends, opening up to new beginnings, and as much as I’ve tried to shoo away any resolutions these past couple of years (because I also believe in putting in the work on the daily, not just going for something as a new year begins), I’ve decided to kind of go for them the day after tomorrow, to take this new start as a new start (one of many). The resolutions are not quite new, though, they’re just the things I wish I would’ve put myself to doing this year, but didn’t, because I’m a master slacker.

“We are here to laugh at the odds
and live our lives 
so well 
that Death will tremble to take us.”
-Charles Bukowski

That’s all I can truly wish for, for the upcoming 365 days, to have myself find the wild, to live well, to feel deeply, to stray from fear and live with my heart open wide, ready for anything. I’m ready, and I truly hope you are too.

Here’s a love list: things that kept me sane and wildly happy through the madness that was this year, maybe they’ll light you up as well.



+ Fates & Furies by Lauren Groff. I fell for the cover of this book instantaneously, when I was in the big Waterstones at Piccadilly Circus, making me unable to keep myself from buying it. And I haven’t regretted it for a second. It’s a multilayered mysterious love story that made me yearn to get back to it every time I was doing anything else.

+ Radical Self Love by Gala Darling. I carry it with me as though Gala is my Goddess, and read it in times of need.

+ #GIRLBOSS by Sophia Amoruso. I’m late to the game, always am, but ho-ly shit I love this book. If you wanna get shit done, I highly encourage you to give it a read, it’ll get the engine started.

+ The Girl On The Train by Paula Hawkins. It’s worth the rage. I read the whole book in one go, which is quite something for someone who reads as slowly as I do.




+ The Joe Rogan Experience. Everyone who knows me knows about my obsession with Joe Rogan (I talk about him the way people talk about Breaking Bad), and I can (and will) keep going on about the man until the day I seize to exist. One of my favourite episodes of the podcast this year was this one, with Russell Brand and Jim Breuer – it’s amazing.

+ The Paris Review. I find myself scrolling through articles on the website for hours on end, and I don’t even mind it. The writing is witty, intelligent and every single article I’ve come across thus far has been able to hold my interest – amazing, I tell you. 

+ FitnessBlender. The source of my increased strength and decreased physical softness. Fitness has become a major thing in my life, to the point where I annoy people with facts about health and such. FitnessBlender is where that started out, and I’m infinitely grateful for Daniel and Kelli doing what they’re doing, even though I swear at them on a weekly basis when HIIT becomes a bit intense. 

+ Onnit AcademyAubrey Marcus’s company Onnit, which focuses on total human optimisation, is amazing in all aspects. The Academy is where I get most of my information on nutrition, fitness and overall health, which have been major factors for me this year. Aubrey is also on a few JRE podcast episodes, and they’re all well worth a watch.



 I have already
lost touch
a couple
of people
I used to be.
                    – Joan Didion


 Live the full life of
the mind, exhilarated by
new ideas, intoxicated by
the romance of the unusual.
                    – Ernest Hemingway


We are all alone, born alone, 
die alone, and – in spite of 
True Romance magazines – we 
shall someday look back on 
our lives and see that, in
spite of our company, we were 
alone the whole way. I do not 
say lonely – at least, not all 
the time – but essentially, 
and finally, alone. This is 
what makes your self-respect 
so important, and I don’t see 
how you can respect yourself 
if you must look in the hearts 
and minds of others for your 

                    – Hunter S. Thompson



Had I not 
created my whole world 
I would certainly 
have died 
in other people’s. 
                    – Anais Nin 


The great art of life is 
sensation, to feel that we 
exist, even in pain. 
                    – Lord Byron 

 Happy new year. 


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Slacking. For pretty much the whole of 2016, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. Now, I’m a firm believer in ‘whatever is meant to be will be’ (because it brings me comfort, more than anything, and being the severe over-thinker I am, I need this comfort), so I don’t necessarily want to slam myself in the head for slacking all throughout the year. Mostly because some amazing things have happened as well, life-changing. In between slacking. But still, I feel a bit bad when I think of all the things I could have done in the past 350 days. So many books I could have read, so many posts, and journal entries, and novels, and poems, and random words I could have written, so much music I could have discovered, so many films I could have watched, so many cities I could have visited. And so much more I could have done. But then again, there is always more we could have done. If you’re anything like me, the constant fear of wasting time, of wasting life, lingers on your mind much like Cotton Eyed Joe would when you heard it again (sorry, I know it’s in your head now… but hey, it’s in mine too). It terrifies me, every time I think of it. But the time we’ve spent, we are not getting back, and though that thought may be heartbreaking, it also triggers growth.

December is such a sentimental month, and as everyone reviews their year, I start to feel the urge to review mine as well. As I said: slacking. I caught myself on it. And I’m happy for that. As soon as I got into the philosophy of ‘all choice is ours, it is up to you to choose what you want – always’, I knew that the slack was a choice. Time after time, week after week, I told myself that this was going to be the day that changed it all. And then I spent the majority of it doing who-knows-what (honestly, I have no idea) and more days and weeks and months passed without change. As that realisation settled into my mind, I took out my brand new daily planner and started planning out today, to the minute. Slacking is a lot easier when you have all day to do something. So I don’t. I don’t have all day to research for that one particular project, I don’t have all day to read that book, I don’t have all day to work out. I have an hour, maybe two, and then I need to move on to the next thing.

It’s essentially about focus. Focusing on the things you want to get done, the things you’re doing, for an hour or two. Giving it your all for that small amount of time and then letting it go, until it shows up on your planner again, tomorrow, or maybe the day after. It makes the task less daunting, less messy. Creating focus for yourself, that is key. Because as much as I (and I imagine, the both of us) have been waiting around for things to be given to me, to reach my way, nothing has fallen into my lap quite yet, and I’m afraid it ain’t happening any time soon. Not to me, not to you. Because all the power, for everything we want and need in our lives, lies within ourselves. It’s your choice to do it, it’s your choice to stand up and make it happen, it’s your choice to spend your time on whatever it is you ought to do (or to not spend your time on whatever you don’t feel like doing, honestly, you don’t owe anyone anything… you’re your own to give away, whenever and wherever you want).

So choose wisely. Do what you must, what you love, what makes you feel alive. And be present for all of it, with full focus. Today is the perfect day to make a jumpstart for a magnificent 2017. It’s all yours.



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Get out of your head. Get out of your head and into your heart. Stop driving yourself crazy. It’s not helping, it’s not worth it. Now is the time to, forever, be done with doing things that put a halt on your growth. The word forever made that sound heavy, I’m aware of it. But if there’s ever a time to commit to a ‘forever’, it is when you vow to stop doing the things that keep you small. And please, let that time be now. 

For you. And for me. Because we’re in this together. The human concept of not being confident enough to fully believe in our potential, which is eternally driving me insane, is something to start messing with. Now. Because there’s nothing more beautiful than growth. Looking back on December 2016, a year from now, five years from now, half a lifetime from now, and seeing how far you’ve come from this point on, it’ll be delicious. Even more so if you start focusing on the things that make you feel like a true badass. 

No more thoughts that trouble your mind. They’re silly. Especially when you could instead be thinking of your sweetheart and the last time you both laughed so hard you almost peed your pants, or how much you love that book you’ve been reading this week, or how much you appreciate that person that is changing your life right now, even though they don’t quite know it (I’m looking at you and you and you, thank you, truly). Which you can. The choice is yours. 

There is always room to grow. Forever. You’ll never be done (sounds exhausting, is exhilarating). There is so much to learn and to see and to do and read and fall in love with. And if you, instead, choose to stay stuck in thought patterns that don’t serve you, it won’t be seen, done, read or fallen in love with, which would be a total fucking bummer. 

Give yourself the freedom of being happy. Of truly being glad to be alive, to be who you are, where you are. And celebrate the fact that you get to choose, always, everything. Let us, you and me, choose the positive over the negative. Progress for the sake of progress. Fighting for a life more beautiful than you could ever dream of, simply because you decided, one day, to shift your thoughts, relentlessly. 



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I get a bit intense when it comes to caring for the ones I love most. The bundle of worry on my mind grows and grows until it’s so much that I simply start ignoring it, by laying in bed and watching How I Met Your Mother for the gazillionth time. But there are things I can’t let go, not even when the group is debating about whether or not the Playbook is completely sleazy and I should be laughing my panties off (don’t get the reference? Go watch the show, it’s hilarious), my mind keeps coming up with new problems to hide the old ones. Making life difficult for myself, because I care. A trait my mother passed on to me, or so I’ve gathered from the stories people have told me about her.

I’m a serial worrier for sure, and the fact that it drives me insane at times never really bothered me (“just who I am, bla bla”), but after a “Could you please stop worrying?! Nothing’s going on with me, I’m fine, it’s all in your head, you’re driving yourself nuts and you have enough shit to worry about already! Now go do your thing.” it became very clear that this may not be the healthiest habit to have. *
Working against yourself by stacking worry upon worry isn’t progressive, but rather a waste of time and energy. And if there’s something that worries me more than anything, it is wasting time (“Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted.” – John Lennon; needless to say, worrying isn’t enjoyable – I do adore the quote, though.). No more stacking, just dealing with the things right in front of us and letting go of all the bullshit that our minds come up with sometimes. It’ll be better.


*And also that I am not letting go of this man, but that’s a secret.